Chap 5: Doubts and Fears

I Married My Dad

Chapter Five

Doubts and Fears

Journal Entry 1/13/18, 2:10 p.m.

Five days ago my husband professed to me that he had trusted Jesus Christ to be Lord of his life, and that he had given his life over to the Lord.

The following day I was battling fear in my mind and heart. What if this is not the real thing this time? What if this is another false confession? What if I just placed my heart out there once more to be stomped on? Satan was attacking me fiercely. I was battling doubts and fears, and for good reason, mind you. For, I had been down this road before many times. Rick had made many false confessions before, coupled with insincere tears. So, how could I be sure this one was real?

The thing of it is, I can’t! I am hopeful. I am supportive. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there are no guarantees, which is why I stated in my previous journal entry that I couldn’t be 100% certain, and that I realized that my trust had to be in the Lord, not in man, for man may fail me, but God will never fail me.

So, as I battled these fears, and I was praying them through, the Lord Jesus brought this song to mind:

When I Am Afraid / An Original Work
October 17, 2016 / Based off Psalms 56-57

When I am afraid, Lord, I will trust in You.
Your Word, Lord, I praise. I yield my life to You.
Enemies pursue me, slandering Your Name.
Lord, have mercy. I trust in You. Hear my cry today.

Lord, I love Your Word. It comforts me today,
As I look to you, and bow my head and pray.
You are Christ, my Lord. You saved me from my sin,
That I may walk, Lord before You, purified within.

Steadfast is my heart, O God, I sing of You.
I will praise You, Lord. To You, I will be true.
Oh, how great Your love. Your faithfulness endue.
Be exalted, God of heaven. Glory be to You.

That song kept playing through my mind throughout the day as I kept yielding to the Lord, giving my fears over to him, trusting him with my life, with my marriage and with my husband, and letting the Lord fill me with his peace. And, the peace did come, too, and it has remained steadfast.

The next few days we were both sick with some kind of bug, maybe a type of flu. I was barely functional. I would get up and write and then go back to bed and sleep. My head was in a fog and I just felt really awful all over. So, I prayed that through, as well, and trusted the Lord to help me to write what he wanted me to say, even though I didn’t feel I had much of a functioning brain at all. God is amazing though! Sometimes when I feel the worst he is able to do marvelous things through me, so that he definitely gets all the glory.

I started feeling somewhat better yesterday, and I am still improving today, but I am not fully functional yet, but I am walking by faith and not by sight.

Rick and I have been talking, and so far, so good. There are no obvious signs of a relapse, but there are also not outstanding signs of a genuine conversion at this point yet, at least not to me. I know that my husband has been under the power of Satan the whole time I have known him, and even before that. His lifestyle, throughout his life, is evidence of a life given over to Satan, and to the flesh, and to the rule of sin over his life. So, to me, if he now has given his life to Christ, and has made him Lord of his life, I expected a more dramatic change from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God than what I am seeing presently.

I had a devotion the Lord gave me to write earlier this morning. It was taken from 2 Peter 2. The description of these false teachers in this passage is nearly identical to the man I have known as my husband these past 45 years. There is a passage in Jude, too, that is very similar to this one. The Lord many times over the past 11 years, at least, has shown me my husband in the light of these two passages of scripture. And, from what I am reading of the lives of other women in similar circumstances as me, it describes many of their husbands, as well. And, it is not a pretty picture, especially since we are talking about men, most of whom profess to be Christians, and some of whom are pastors or in full-time Christian ministry.

Between 2011 and 2016 the Lord Jesus gave me 173 songs to write. Many of these songs I knew were messages to my husband. God often spoke to my husband through these songs, and he often realized they were for him, but most often they made him angry, because he knew they were speaking to him. One of those songs, the Lord has put in my mind again this morning. And, this is where many of us are right now, in this battle for truth, only the battle is for the lives of our husbands, that they would tell the truth, for the truth will set them free.

The Battle for Truth / An Original Work
May 18, 2013 / Based off Malachi 1-4

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I love you. Honor me.
Tell the truth. You’ll be free.
Sing My praise all your days.
I will give all you need.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Turn from sin; cleansed within.
Stand in awe of My Name.
Teach what’s true. Walk in peace.
Follow Christ, in His ways.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Show to God faithfulness.
Do not be adult’rous.
Do not shed shallow tears.
Do not be insincere.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I have sent messengers,
Who have giv’n my address.
They call for repentance,
And they warn of judgment.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I, the Lord, do not change,
So return – blessings gain:
Healing comes; joyfulness;
Freedom from your distress.

So, this is where we are, taking this one day at a time. I am trusting the Lord, he has given me his peace, he has taken my pain and suffering, and I am resting in him. I can’t be sure that my husband has truly turned that corner, but I can’t be sure he hasn’t. So, I walk by faith and not by sight, one moment at a time, putting my complete faith and trust in the Lord, and not in man, not assuming anything, but just waiting on the Lord to do in both of our lives what needs to be done for us to be who he wants us to be.


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