Writing #4 in the series:
I had just gone through revival in 2002. That is when the Lord Jesus spoke to my heart, and he told me that I had not forgiven him. It is then that I realized that, down deep in my heart, I had blamed him or I had held it against him in some way that he did not rescue me from all the abuses I faced in my life. So, I forgave him, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. I just needed to let it go.
But, part of that was accepting God’s sovereignty over my life, that everything that had happened to me in my life was allowed by God for a purpose, which I believe was to prepare me for the ministry to which he called me in 2004, two years after this revival took place. And, it was also realizing that God was absolutely in control and all powerful over all my circumstances, and that he already won this battle for me. I just needed to live like I believed that, and I needed to use that sword of the Spirit.
My husband and I had been preparing for church planting ministry within our church denomination of that time. He was preparing for ordination, and I was preparing for consecration (a female version of ordination). We were both supposed to be reading the Bible through from beginning to end, and we had books we were supposed to be reading, as well. So, I was diligently doing what I was supposed to do.
My husband, nonetheless, was still struggling with sexual addiction. He was addicted to porn use at that time. And, it became very apparent to me that he was not walking with the Lord, and that he was not preparing for ministry. We weren’t walking together in this. And, I could not do it alone.
So I prayed about it, and I felt the Lord leading me to withdraw from church planting and from consecration. This angered my husband, but his anger towards me just led me into the arms of Jesus, my Savior.
But, I continued reading the Bible through, from beginning to end, and the Lord Jesus began opening my heart and mind to see that we were nearing the time of the end. And, it was then that he called me to this present ministry, although it did not take its full form until about 7 months later.
The call really began, though, during the summer of 2004 when I was reading my grandmother’s journals. She kept repeating this one phrase over and over again,
“Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay.”
I was not familiar with those words. Eventually I looked them up, and I learned that this was from Habakkuk 2:2-3. Over the next several months, that same passage of scripture continued to show up in my life, including at a district-wide prayer conference with our church denomination. And, it was there that the Lord really began to impress upon me that he was calling me to something else, that I was to forget what was before, for he was doing a new thing. And, it was going to be something I never dreamed of.
So, I started writing down what he taught me through his word, and I began posting it on the internet, which was a new thing for me. I just started looking up Christian discussion sites and I began writing on those. Eventually I began my first blog, which I quit after a few months due to lack of response, but which the Lord had me pick back up two years later, and which has continued now daily for 9 years. And, then he had me begin another one about 5 years ago, and then “Walking Wounded” about a year and a half ago, plus I am still writing on one Christian discussion site.
But, it wasn’t until June of 2006, one month after we had closed to door on our college ministry we had had out of our home for 7.5 years, that the Lord led me to write daily what he was teaching me from his word. And, then in 2011, he also gave me the gift of writing simple spiritual songs, which were to be included with many of the devotions he had me write. And, I have been doing this ever since then.
The Lord was speaking to me through dreams and visions, not as new revelation, but rather he used them like parables to apply the scriptures to our world and to our church today. And, this met with opposition. And, I faced persecution because of it. Yet, the dreams and visions never stood on their own. They had to be supported with scripture, and scripture had to be taught, in truth, or the dreams were discarded.
But, it wasn’t just that. I was much more serious in my walk with the Lord than I had been ever, for I had faced so much persecution over the years from my dad, my husband, preachers in churches, lay people, and family members, etc. that it just drove me to the Lord in tears time after time after time. The more I was persecuted, the more serious I got about my walk of faith with the Lord and about following him in obedience to his will.
At one church, they rejected the “This Space Available” logo I use depicting the cross of Christ empty and available for us to be crucified with Christ. We submitted to them, and we didn’t use the logo with our ministry there, but they really didn’t want us there, so eventually they invited us to leave.
So, we went to another church with our ministry to college students. And, there the pastor spoke to me privately about removing our praise team and replacing them with another praise team who would “draw in large crowds of people.” Later he did a non-denial denial when confronted about it, and he just said, “I would never do that,” though he never once said, “I did not say that.”
But, later he apparently convinced his elder board that I had lied about him. So, they invited me to a meeting, but I had to first admit that I lied, which I could not do, so they put me on church discipline. It was then that we walked out of there with our college ministry in tow.
And, then there was another church where I was church secretary and the head trustee was being inappropriate with me, so I reported him to the pastors, and they said that he could do what he wanted because he was a huge supporter of the church financially. They just played it off as though it was no big deal. So, I quit that job.
And, then I was church secretary at another church where the head deacon kept paying me long visits in the office, and I felt that was inappropriate, so I asked him to not come so often, and he told his wife and the personnel committee and his wife scolded me and the committee fired me and escorted me out of the building. But, I had obeyed God, and they fired me for it.
And, then there was the pastor who told me he was warned in his training about people like me – people with strong convictions, and he invited me to go someplace else where I would be a better fit. And, another pastor did the same, not because I did anything wrong, or that I was trouble, but because I, in trying to determine if this church was for me, asked questions and inquired about their beliefs and expressed a concern about one teaching, totally appropriately and in the correct setting for this, too, and not out of order. But, they were trained to invite people to leave who didn’t fit.
And, of course I faced opposition on the internet to what the Lord had me teaching. But, the most opposition came to the true gospel as taught by Jesus and by his NT apostles. For, they wanted me to water down the gospel and make it more appealing, to soften it up so that it didn’t offend people. But, I couldn’t do that. I had to remain true to the Word of God, not for intellectual purposes, but because I know the only way to deliverance from our addiction to sin, and it is through not only Jesus’ death on a cross, but it is through us dying with him to sin and living with him to righteousness.
Anyway, all my life I have been opposed, persecuted, abused, taken advantage of, mistreated, falsely accused, rejected, ostracized, etc. But, the interesting thing of it all is that most of this persecution was because I was following the Lord in obedience. When I was failing greatly, and I had fallen back into sin, and I was living a lie, and doing what ought not to be done, they left me alone. But, when I followed the Lord, then they came after me.
But, all this was allowed by God to make me who I am today, so that I would do what God has called me to do despite all opposition and persecution and persuasion to the contrary. He had to get me to the point to where I died to it all, all the acceptance, all desires to be loved and to be included, so that I would obey him and depend on him alone.
All Through the Night
An Original Work / December 7, 2013
Based off Various Scriptures
Blessed are you when you’re persecuted
Because of your faith in Jesus Christ.
Blessed are you when people insult you,
And falsely say what leads folks to doubt.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is
Great in the heavens. You’re not alone.
When you are persecuted in one place,
Flee to another. God will be there.
You will be hated by all the nations
Because you testify of God’s grace.
Many will seize you and persecute you,
And put to death the foll’wers of Christ.
Yet, do not fear what humans may do to you,
For I’m with you all through the night.
I tell you, love your enemies with my love,
And forgive as I forgave you.
Pray for those who do evil against you.
Rest in my love and grace from above.